Please consider that my solitary salute to Halloween.
Also, forewarning: all word salad henceforth WILL burst tour masturbatory bubble.
And I shall shoot out the wisdom which I have learned through my very own work.
No ejaculatory response required.
Now for the tidily bits of truly true totally fake writing things.
It has to be things. Always, always things.
Because things goddamn matter.
Five totally true lies about writing.
1. On The Unholy Muthafucking Adverb:
Use them here, there, and every-fucking-where.
When it comes to adverbs, here’s your writing insight: A Fuck bucket of more. Always more and more.
2. On Self-Editing:
Always edit your own work. Duh!
Because your attention to detail is completely overwhelming.
Hell man, you wrote that shit so why not edit the complete suck out of your suck.
3. On Writing Words In Sequence:
No worries here, bruh. Like your peeps will totes understand your outstanding verbiage.
Writing words in any readable format is for, like, I dunno, losers or whatever.
Seriously, readers will be able to understand whatever fribble frabble dribble you puke out on paper. Make them pay attention.
4. On Making A Good Story:
Pffft, good stories are overrated.
Having a story hat has the force of a Wiffle ball is, well, not too bad.
Keep up the good work, you.
Keep. It. Up.
5. On Showing Versus Telling:
Fuck, do something.
Using words like POW, BAM. KAWHACK, BOOM, and CRUNCH are not only traits of the Adam West Batman era, they’re prime examples of telling the reader what happened.
Don’t go the extra length. Miles are for idiots. Do as little as possible. Keep your writing tamped down without necessary showing. It’ll work.
You–you keep telling. All. The. Goddamn. Time.