*looks over shoulder while hugging remaining Charmin rolls. shifty eyes feel someone’s watching*
I write this wondering what‘ll happen if there’s a real apocalypse. First, we‘ve come to know how Americans really feel about toilet paper so that’ll disappear faster than free cake. Second, we know anything toilet paper related-adjacent-in-the-vicinity, will disappear. And third, yes, ALL toilet paper will be gone.
I don’t recall seeing any pre or post apocalypse movies where hoarding toilet paper was a thing. Ever.
I see pictures of Costco carts full of food. Do you have any idea how hard it is to fill a Costco shopping cart?
*tries to figure equivalent quotient of toilet paper to groceries purchased. says fuck it because math is hard*
Imma back up.
I should explain. There’s a backstory here. Once upon a time in the very recent past I was given a task: pick up toilet paper.
I laughed. Sure. No problem. I’m on it. Not too difficult. Pfft, whatever.
No-no. It’s my bad. I absolutely got it wrong.
I. Didn’t. Know.
I developed a strategic plan.
It was early. So early, the darkness was comfortable and I was still blurry-eyed. I wiped the sleep sand from my eyes.
The gall of someone to sneeze. I was more than a social distance away. I stared. It quickly turned to a glare. Eye darts. My misanthropic self kicked in.
Why is that person breathing? Cart abandoned.
Now it’s time for Netflix, panic-eating donuts, and pandering Amazon for unneeded shit. While you’re there, I mean, it can’t hurt, so go here for a good read during your 14-days of solitude.
Did I…am I… I’m signed up for…toilet paper notifications? Holy hellshit.
Remember, Social-Distancing can be another meaning for introverted misanthrope. Also, I’ve decided to sit this apocalypse out for now and not wrestle any panic shoppers.
#spareasquare #coronapocalypse #toiletpaper