Your actions have spoken and you’ve showed your disdain and disrespect for the American public. Thanks for that!
*pats the air in front of him like it’s a Congress members back*
Way to go. No really, I mean it. Way-to-fucking-go!
I’ve decided that, you know, being a career politician is really hard work. Sometimes those fuckers just need a break. Say, around two weeks’ish. Sometimes they just need to say, “Hey, we can’t get shit done so we’re just gonna shut things down for a while, ‘kay?”
In uh, honor(?) of their, uh, restoring(?) of the US Government, I have woefully(?) decided to send my sincerest congratulations to those who worked diligently(?) in the process.
1. Congratulations for looking at the word “synergy” and laughing uncontrollably. We’d laugh to if we were you!
2. Congratulations on being able to “agree to disagree” and fuck your loyal constituents with your mounting years of sucktitude. We really appreciate it!
3. Congratulations on being gutless, shameless, and unproductive. Perfect role models for young children and future government officials. Two wahoo thumbs up!
4. Congratulations on your uncompassionate thoughtlessness. We voted for you, but secretly, we never wanted you to think about
anyone else but yourselves anyway. You’ve succeeded in selfishness!
5. Congratulations on your complete and misguided unprofessionalism. All of your interns should look up to each and every one of you. You’re role models for the unintended, unmotivated, and…no, wait, that’s you. Never mind.
6. Congratulations on taking sixteen days to develop a temporary fix. It shows too well that you don’t give a shit. Way to stick to your guns!
7. Congratulations on being paid while being shutdown. That’s a neat trick. Complete fuckery of the system.
8. Congratulations on blatantly disrespecting ALL citizens in United States of America. Way to go! Again, we appreciate you so much. So much.
9. Congratulations on being thought of internationally as an “…unstable and unpredictable government.” That came from the UK. The UK. Ya know who else has historically unstable governments? Hmmm, let’s see, oh yeah, the Middle East. Pick a country. Any country.
10. Congratulations on your douchebaggery. We like it. We love it. We want no more of it.
If this were middle school, you’d all have your heads dunked in the toilet, just because, well, you’re all you.
Mostly though, congratu-fucking-lations on being you. You’re all the best politicians on the planet, yet the worst at the very same time. Wait, hold on, the first part of that last sentence was a complete LIE. Completely. Just like Congress.
Sincerely,
Me
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