You’ve been watching the Olympics and now you’re thinking, yeah, I will look good in a swim brief.
No.
No you won’t. And, you’re welcome.
Leave it to the athletic professionals.
That’s not the only information I’m here to give.
Sit. Relax. Ready?
You’re not using the best words. Your words are loser words. Put all the best words in your work.
What does this mean to you? I mean, other than your words are sucky?
Discouragement.
And…
YOU are your own worst enemy when it comes to writing. You’ve set a Claymore mine full of paperclips flying a thousand meters a second right at junk level. You will do whatever it takes to snare your writing and hang it elsewhere as long as it’s not in front of you. Here’s a list to help you out so you can be aware of those things that might stop you from getting things done.
And take that goddamn swim brief off, would ya.
1. Depression.
Yes. It happens to artistic types because we decide that we no longer can go on with failure because, failure is in our existence. It’s a normal part of what we do, but we FAIL to realize it. Set compass for a crash course, but steer clear.
Sidestepping depression is, at times, unavoidable because human. We don’t always see it in ourselves, but there are signs. Internet them, because, hey man, this is a writing blog.
2. Outside Interference.
You’re confusing the use social media with networking and with getting shit done.
Twitter. Faceswhilebooking. Instagram. Those bird feeder pictures you peruse on Pinterest. MySpace. Whatever, your profile is still listed.
These steal time from you. From your writing. And worse, they take of your creative spirit.
KEEP YOUR CREATIVE SPIRIT.
3. Kids.
I don’t have these, but I hear they can be a lot of work and are, at times, needy. And hey, let’s face it, sometimes they can be assholes.
And they can be draining like tiny little blood-sucking vampires.
No-no. Don’t get rid of them. Utilize them. Find ideas in the things they do. Oh, and discipline accordingly.
4. You Have Zero Ambition.
This isn’t something that you can just zip off to your local Piggly Wiggly and find sitting on the shelf in aisle five.
Why?
Well, because that’s the coffee aisle, duh.
No.
Ambition doesn’t just come in a bottle. Or a can. Or an empty jar of jam.
Mmmmmmm. Jam.
Ambition. It’s a desire. You need to dig deep and pull it out like that itty-bitty ingrown hair.
Maybe change your sleep patterns. Or try getting some sleep, for once.
Mowing down the wrong foods can leave you lethargic, lazy, and listless. It’s like a drain on your mental capacity and takes your ambition. You’ll feel sucked dry of energy and ambition feeds off energy.
Change things, if necessary.
5. You’ve Been Given A Bad Review And Have Stopped Writing.
Sure, it’s true. Some people somewhere will not like your writing. Yeah, I can’t believe it either. But ya know what, fuck it. You didn’t and don’t write for them. You write for yourself. Keep writing your stories.
6. You Lost Your Creativity.
You’ve flipped the couch cushions. It’s not there. Hell, you’ve flipped the whole damn couch and still nothing.
Grab a book and read. Reading sparks creativity. Reading outside of your usual genres will help, too.
7. Ideas No Longer Hammer The Sides Of Your Brain Cavity.
Here’s where you can do a few things to get IT back because a good hammering always helps.
Thud your head against the monitor until words fall out. Although, this is typically not recommended because you’ll look really damn stupid doing this at Starbucks. But…
You could do writing prompts. I equate this to counting sheep in order to fall asleep. And where the fuck sheep came from for this, I’ll never know. But writing prompts…maybe, but…
Read. Read. Read.
8. You Ran Out Of Coffee.
There might not be much that can be done here except buzzing your butler and having him scoot to get more. Do this immediately. Coffee is energy. Coffee is power. COFFE IS LIFE.
Get some. Now.
YOU. MUST. COFFEE.
9. You Ran Out Of Scotch.
See number 8. Exchange coffee with scotch.
10. Your Ran Out Of Bourbon.
See number 8 and 9. Change words respectively with bourbon.
11. You Ran Out Of Whiskey.
By now you have to realize that you’re probably an alcoholic if you’ve run out of numbers nine and ten too.
Seriously?!
Just what the hell is the matter with you?
Start your 12-Step program soon. But first, get that coffee refilled.
It’s writing fuel.
12. People Are In Your Way. Literally.
PokemanGo got you on edge? Does it make you want to push that person charging head-down, eyes glued to Pokeman into a wooden fence with nails sticking out?
G’head. No one’s looking. Literally.
Set aside a space where you’re alone. Preferably a spot where you may not need to walk to either. Freed from distraction. From annoyance. From mirrors, because basically, you’re probably sick of looking at yourself you narcissistic ass. In essence, get away, but take your writing with you.
13. You Stopped Reading.
Perhaps you thought, hey, I’m writing so reading only interferes. It makes me lose the voice of my character. Of my story. It takes from me. And sure, this can be true…
If you allow it.
Try a different genre from what it is you’re writing. Then go back to your work. Then read within your genre. Then go back to your writing. It works.
14. You Think Your Writing Sucks.
Hey, it might.
I mean, I don’t know you. I don’t know your writing. I may have never read it. (Send me some).
15. You Have Eleventeen Billion Reasons Why Not.
Now hey, yeah, that’s a shitpile of reasons. Errr, shall we say excuses?
Yes.
We shall, indeed.
Get those bad ideas out of your head. Quit being negative.
16. You Eat Like A Gremlin.
This infers that you, like Gremlins, are up late. And eating. Probably after midnight, too.
Rest yourself properly.
17. You Lack Discipline.
I’m not talking the type of discipline where you wear nipple clamps or whatever.
Or where you need a drill sergeant.
It’s self-discipline like setting a schedule. Marking said schedule thingy on a calendar that is pinned to your wall by one of those little thumbtacks. You know, the one that you felt the point of and thought, Damn, wonder what that’d feel like in th eye?
No?
C’mon, it’s not just me.
Huh. Maybe it is.
18. External Forces Pull At You Like Great White Ripping Apart A Furry Little Seal.
Your Pokemon Go is fucking you up.
In your never-ending search for Ditto, jumping fences and trespassing all over, you forgot that augmented reality is, in fact, NOT REALITY. The gymnasiums you are visiting make you look like foolish. You, again, forgot that you are an adult.
You failed to realize that you are, indeed, playing a time-consuming wasting game.
A game that pulls you from writing.
19. You Start To Compare.
Don’t do this. Ever.
It helps your writing in no way. It’s not good for you.
Henceforth, these are your Five Writing Commandments:
- You shall write like you write.
- You shall write for you.
- You shall write whatever it is you wish to write and not what someone tells you to write.
- You shall not evaluate your writing against other writers.
- You shall aspire to become a better writer.
If you compare, you will start to think that you are not worthy. That your writing sucks.
It may be well true, but comparisons should not be made.
- The Story Just Isn’t Ready.
Hey look, this happens. There’s an easy to get past this…
FINISH YOUR SHIT.
Set a self-imposed deadline. Stick to it. Manage it. Determine what it is you need to write on a daily basis in order to get your story done and do it.
BONUS – It’s You.
I don’t mean to accuse you.
Wait.
Yes.
Yes, I do.
It probably, most likely…
Yeah, it is you.
You have managed to pull off the impossible and get in your own damn way. Quit hating your work.
MOVE. WRITE. BE.
You know when you seem to follow these “reasons” you actually are so inspiring and have some good stuff. Keep it going Mr. Winterberg. Oh and I am not an alcoholic!!!! I hear the Piggly Wiggly is having some great sales on alcohol right now though…just saying.