Nada. Zip. Zilch.
It does, however, have musings about weird shit linked to NCAA team names.
Worker guy: “Where’s Hank?”
Boss man: “He’s pretending to be sick so he can stay home for two days to watch NCAA March Madness kick off.”
Worker guy: “Uh…”
Boss man: “Yeah, so when he returns on Monday I’ll pretend that he still works here for about an hour or so.”
Worker guy: “Uh…”
Hank you silly bastard.
We just know that Hank was watching those first rounds and getting high off pot-filled brownies. Probably anyway.
Unlike Hank, I took up a different cause for March Madness.
Between the countless billions wagered illegally and legally on the NCAA Tourney and looking past the hundreds of thousands of wasted work hours following the games and filling out brackets, I wondered in my head what some of the nicknames really meant.
I turned to my iPhone, no I didn’t ask Siri. Siri’s a complete nitwit. I fingered, uhhh, finger-tapped the Advanced English Dictionary app. (It’s “advanced” for us learner types. Or not. Maybe. I’m not really sure.) What wasn’t found there I asked the almighty Internet.
I grabbed my top ten from the field of sixty-four (sorry to the “other” teams who had to play the play-in games, you just don’t count for shit AND, NCAA, IT’LL ALWAYS BE A PLAY-IN GAME) and then broke down the remaining Final Four as a favor to you.
1.Cincinnati Bearcats – A bearcat is a tree-dwelling cat-like mammal that is a native species of the continent of Asia. I think the U of Cincinnati stretched with this one. I mean, it’s almost like a mythical animal.
*side note: see unicorn.
2. Dayton Flyers – I get that Dayton is the birthplace of aviation blah, blah, blah; however, calling yourselves the Flyers is one step away from being called the Pilots or Aviators or Airplanes. None of which are tough and rumble like a Bearcat.
*second side note: could easily be confused with the way more awesome Radio Flyer. And, a bearcat basically is still mythical.
3. Ohio State Buckeyes – I understand for whatever reason that natives or residents of the state of Ohio are called Buckeyes; however, the name refers to a chestnut. You are chestnuts, people. Chestnuts. *third side note: chestnuts are not a ferocious bunch unless lobbed at humanoids in sacks of say fifty or more. Also, it’s about as cool a name as a Buckeye, but not as cool as a Radio Flyer. But, real unlike that bearcat.
4. Stanford Cardinal – Perplexing since the name refers to a vivid red, yet the mascot is an evergreen tree. With a ridiculously large mouth. And phosphorescent teeth. *scratches top of head*
That makes me have questions. Serious. Questions.
*fourth side note: see Radio Flyer because you may as well just have a goddamn kids wagon. Also, I thought Stanford was a smart school. Hmmmmmmm.
5. Iowa Hawkeyes – Again we go with the native or resident name for a team name, which is just plain lame. They did see fit to use a hawk as their mascot though.
*fifth side note: the Hawkeye is not, I repeat, NOT, the character from MASH.
6. Georgetown Hoyas – Okay, this one got me and for decades I just thought it was a genus of canine. (SHUT UP!) I mean, with the bulldog-looking mascot and all, who am I to question a prestigious university.
IT’S A PLANT GENUS.
That’s right Georgetown, you’ve been officially busted. I ask that you refrain from using the dog mascot immediately and begin to use a fleshy leaf or vine at once.
*sixth side note: if you are a huge Georgetown fan and maybe, just perhaps named your pet dog Hoya, know that your neighbors will now laugh at you and your dog named Vine.
7. Nebraska Cornhuskers – One who husks corn. Uh-ha. Got it. Clear as mud.
So is this the actual picking of the corn or removing the outer layers? I mean, each is ferocious in its own way. I assume anyway. Right?
*seventh side note: just. plain. dumb. also, I husk part of my corn before I buy it in the grocery store. does that make me a cornhusker?
8. St Louis Bilikens – A fat little charm doll.
The St. Louis Dolls.
*eighth side note: dolls should not be used as a mascot of any kind. ever.
9. Oklahoma Sooners – And again, a native or resident of the state.
*ninth side note: see super creative way to pick a school nickname. history tells us that the name came from “early” settlers who entered “unoccupied” land to settle it before anyone else had a chance. so basically, after the land was, err, umm, oh hell, taken from the Native Americans, settlers were over eager to grab it as their own. Uh…
10. Iowa State Cyclones – This one confuses me and all of my personalities. I’m pretty certain that a cyclone has never hit the United States or… Iowa. Anywhere in Iowa. Ever.
*tenth side note: about 100% sure.
Final Four teams rejoice as your nicknames are way cooler than, uhh, most:
1. Florida Gators – Eats everything including humans. Makes much sense since it’s Florida and alligators have a wild presence in Florida and the surrounding area of said state. And, who isn’t afraid of a fucking alligator. Those little legs. The speed. Those bumpy spiky things. They’re prehistoric.
*second first side note: alligators have a lot of teeth so maybe steer clear.
2. University of Connecticut Huskies – I dunno. A huskie is a cool dog except for the shedding and grooming. And all the excess hair everywhere. And I guess the dog shit.
I don’t see that the UConn Husky has those issues though so there’s that. All-in-all, it’s kinda badass.
*second second side note: hey Uconn, perhaps pick another name other than Jonathan for the husky. It’s been like almost a hundred years.
3. Wisconsin Badgers – Tough. Ferocious. Aggressive. Carnivore. Large claws. Complete badassery.
This one is a no-brainer as a mascot. It has everything that a team would be proud to wear on the front of their shirt.
*second third side note: could probably escape or even injury a husky, but would most definitely lose in a battle with an irritated alligator. would definitely maim/kill/eat a wildcat.
4. Kentucky Wildcats – DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A WILDCAT IS? There it is. Right there. Looks a little like
my friend’s cat. About the same size too. We call her fatty or voluptuous since, you know, fatty is a word that will negatively affect her psyche and shit.
*second fourth side note: a wildcat isn’t even indigenous to the United States. never was either. looks kinda, ohh, I dunno, docile. here kitty, kitty kitty.