Hey You, It’s Me. I’m Doing This For Us.

Sometimes, we  know all the answers. More times, we know the questions.

Confused?

Us too.

I know what you’re asking, “Us too? This guy’s gone completely batshit insane…AHHGAIN.”

Not that I really need to respond to that, but I’ll indulge you for a second, the Us too refers to me, myself, and I – Us. And, maybe insanity is really the sane having a peaceful mind. Hmmmm. Ponder that while on your porcelain devourer of mighty turds.

Whatever your thinking, stop right now. Take a deep inhale through your nose. Release it through your mouth. Yes, dufus, open your damn mouth.

Good?

Great. Let’s get started.

It’s the end of the year and I wanted everyone to get to know me a little better. So, for your delight – you’re welcome in advance – here’s a one of a kind interview just for you people.

I recently sat down with myself to interview myself about myself. Because, let’s be honest, no one knows me quite like, well, me. Here are eight questions that we asked me, who actually is just I.

Me: “How ya doin?”

Me: “We’re fine.”

Me: “Let’s get started, shall we?”

Me: “We shall.”

1. Why writing?

If I’m answering honestly, Eminem already filled the position of forty-something white rapper. And, if I may add, he’s doing one helluva of an outstanding job.

*If I were to break out into a rhyme or a linguistical rap, what would you do or say? Would you take a crap?*

Seriously, it’s a release. *shakes head in disgust* No, not that kinda release. It’s metaphysical. Writing allows the writer to transform into another being, person; anything that is different. It offers the writer parallel worlds to explore and create.

Also, the unwritten goes unread.

2. Uh-huh…Okay. So what have you done since the success of your first book, Twisted Sanity: Stories Beyond Reality?

Sleeping. Eating. I shower on occasion if the party is right.

I’ve also been writing a follow-up called Twisted Fate: Unreal Realities of Life due out in spring of 2014 or thereabouts. Thereabouts? Who the fuck says that?

Wait, I can do better…

It may be delayed because I’ve been concentrating on writing in a different genre.

And, I’m working on a top-secret novel. If I divulge too much info here, I would, in fact, have to kick your ass. Probably, but most likely anyway. And, that’d be too strange given the fact that, well, you are indeed me.

Oh yeah, I’m starting to write scary stories. Not quite horror, but *waves arms like a ghoul* scary.

And, just to get this out there, my first is and will always be my worst. As writers, we need to realize that the very first things we ever write will always be our worst. We will grow and learn better technique. We will break the existent/non-existent rules of writing and get better. A lot better.

3. I see. Sounds, uh, well, a bit disturbing. So, what’s in the very near future as far as your writing?

The Twitter.

I’m thinking about changing my Facebook page too. Maybe an open letter to Adidas since those buggers never responded to my email complaint about their Springblade shoes. *yells out loud* HEY ADIDAS, THEY’RE NOT MAGIC FUCKING SHOES. AND A LITTLE, JUST A TEENY TINY GODDAMN BIT OF CUSTOMER SERVICE GOES A LOOOOONG WAY.

4. Alrighty. Perhaps some more serious questions that’ll warrant real, very serious answers. How do you find your voice in writing?

Good question. I let the voice find me. It has to come to the writer. It’s present all the time, but the writer needs to pull it out through those little things we like to call words.

I find that when I’m writing, and after I read or reread a section, the voice is there. It’s like WOWZA.

Other times, finding that little mo’fuuckaa is as difficult as tucking in a baby dinosaur.

My advice to me…and other writerly peeps: The writing voice will come. Be patient. It can be different for every character too. It could sound like Darth Vader. Who knows… *writer, I am your voice*

Hmmm. It sounded much better in my head with James Earl Jones saying it.

5. Why twitter or any social media?

I think I have a lot of interesting, if not helpful shit to say. Errrr, write. Whatever.

The beauty of the words are in the writer. Wait, that’s poetic. I should probably, hang on a second *grabs iPhone mid interview and sends a spectacular tweet* oaky, where were we, I mean us, well, me?

Also, I have learned a lot from other writers on Twitter. I’d name them, but hey, that’s all legal shit and I may need to ask first. Maybe next time.

There’ll be a next time, right?

Another interview? Don’t you like me, uh, us?

6. What you think of other authors?

I feel that some authors are a little pretentious. Trying to be something they’re not. Writers need to have confidence; however, we need to be realistic too. Let’s face it; our best work may be, in fact, not our best writing. We need to realize that AND be able to know that. We also need to learn and grow as writers or our work will always be shit. I don’t think shit sells too well. Actually, I’m certain it doesn’t. No, it doesn’t at all.  *searches Internet for the sale of shit. finds several listings, but zero sales*

And, as I’ve mentioned, writers MUST learn from other authors. Reading leads to better writing.

7. You’ve been outspoken in your appreciation of Mac over Microsoft, why?

Why the hell not. Easier. More efficient. I’ve never been asked eight different questions by six different pop-up windows just checking to be sure if the document I wanted to open was, in fact, the correct document. I’m a big boy. If I open the wrong thing, I’ll figure it out. Too much bullshit with windows. Every fucking update is “critical.” I think windows 8.1 made those hypercritical. Who knows? I’m a Mac whore. Yeah, I said it – a complete and utter Mac whore. In fact, if Jobs was still alive, I’da traveled to Cupertino and hand-delivered him my soul. Pretty sure of it.

8. Did you like this interview?

Uh, do I have an oblate head?

 

Great. Thanks for sitting down with me, uh…us? Well, thanks for sitting and answering your, uh…my questions. Whatever.

We hope you enjoyed this interview about us. We are excited for the end of 2012! And, we are resolute to do a better job of paying attention to the details in 2013.

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