Oh Wow, Look, Another Fucking Blog Post About the 10 Words To Cut From Your Shitty Writing

It arrived today, about mid-morning, in my inbox. It screamed, “Holy shit! Look at me. I’m right here. See me.”

There it was for the fuckteen zillionth time, Ten Words To Cut From Your Writing. I mean, seriously, c’mon already.

Grab that chair behind you. Drink this.

*hands you a dark liquid*

Please place your buttocks in said chair. Get comfy. Or not. Fidget nervously, if needed. Cross legs, if desired. Maybe sip, no, slurp – yeah, slurp – that coffee, Coca-Cola, brown water, whatever into your mouth as though you’re sucking it through your pursed lips just to irritate the living shit outta anyone within your Radius Of Annoyance.

Why, you ask?

Well, because you, Super-Blogger-Who-Posts-The-Highly-And-Completely-Obvious-In-Writing-Help are, completely and utterly ANNOYING.

I only apologize because it’s the truth.

Here’s how our convo will go.

Me: Do you need to be slapped upside your cranium with the Two-By-Four Of Originality to loosen all your creativity?

You: Uh, I don’t understand.

Me: Exactly. You’re clueless.

You: Why are you so mean?

Me: Honestly? Because I’m an asshole. An asshole that doesn’t need to know about those goddamn ten words. An asshole that, in the bigger picture of writing, understands that filler words only equals shitty writing.

You: Man, you’re really mean.

Me: Only when stupidity wants to waste my time do I turn mean.

You: Fine. What should I do?

Me: Besides die, I dunno. Think about helping writers by not posting what a million other writers have posted. Maybe give writerly advice based on your experiences. Uh, be ridiculously creative. Or not. It’s really your choice; just don’t ever post about those stupid words to cut from writing. Ever.

I know people who know people, who, in fact, know more people.

You: Can I just add them one more time? Here?

Me: *grabs ax…does best Jack Nicholson impression from The Shining*

Sure, go ahead. Do it quickly. But first, please move closer to the other side of the door. Thanks.

You: *inhales. takes large breath*

Just, really, very, perhaps, maybe, quite, amazing, literally, stuff, things, got.

Me: *loses count, adds on fingers.*

Uh, that’s eleven words, not ten. You’ve tried to dupe me.

*wheels out shiny new cannon from back room*

I don’t like to be duped.

*aims cannon*

You: *sweats uncontrollably. squirms in chair. finds squirming difficult with leg and arm restraints attached.*

Sorry?

Me: Asking or telling?

You: Uh?

Me: *fires cannon. exalts. high-fives self*

The point is, write well. Always. Period.

And by that, I mean, don’t trick your blog readers into thinking that you’re super original and smart when, in fact, you’re an incredible idiot who took all of three minutes to cut and paste YOUR shitty blog post from some other schmuck who did the very same thing. Maybe do a post on the fine art of the cut and paste. Wait, I’ll do it here and you can, well, cut and paste.

You can title the blog post: Shit I steal From Other Writers And Present As My Own Because 
I Completely Suck At Everything

Step one: find a good blog post to steal, plagiarise, use, copy, lift, thieve, take, make your own.

Step two: highlight all text.

Step three: either use control/command + C to copy (depends on PC or Mac use)

Step four: either use control/command + V to paste (depends on PC or Mac use) into your blog site

Step five: post it for the entire world to see

Step six: this is the most important step by far. Bend down as far as possible. Go on, you can get farther. Even farther. Keep going. Okay, good. Now place your brainless head inside of your large rectal cavity and cough. Just once is enough.