WHAT TO DO DURING YOUR PANDEMIC-QUARANTINE-ISOLATION-SELF-DISTANCING-DETACHMENT FROM SOCIETY

I dunno, maybe you were planning on building a social-distancing pillow and blanket fort. Maybe you were gonna watch Contagion because, you know, the current global pandemic isn’t scary enough. Or, and this is a hypothetical, you’re set on perfect harmony of zen and nothing go will get to you.

You do you. 

But…

If COVID-19 has taught us anything besides that hands get pruny like a Kaffir lime from being washed two-hundred and seventeen times a day, and that Americans really, really – like seriously really – love their toilet paper, it’s that having to stay at home can become excruciatingly monotonous.

Let’s face it, if you aren’t prepared to stay inside for the next couple weeks with food and supplies, you’re already screwed. Grocery shelves are empty; restaurants are closing; toilet paper is gone. All of it.

Whether you’re dragged kicking and screaming into quarantine or told to self-isolate, you must now prepare yourself for weeks of delivery foods and, I dunno, lots of showers after using the toilet. But alas, here’s some ideas to keep you occupied during your social hiatus.

Why not DO NOTHING?

Why?

Uhhhh, why not?

It goes without saying, doing nothing is easy. Lounge around. Sloth away. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Allow the gods of laziness to whisk your mind away to wherever the fuck lazy people laze.

You could EXERCISE

Staying active is good for the body and the mind. It invigorates the soul and all kinds of other healthy bullshit. You don’t need fancy equipment, or any equipment. Google it. Figure it out.

Binge-watch NETFLIX and MAYBE CHILL

While any streaming service will do, the chill part might be a little tricky especially if you’re truly maintaining a social distance. Binge-watch EVERYTHING.

CLEAN your dirty house

This actually depends on the level of messiness one has in one’s domicile. Do you need to tidy up a bit? Is it the-interior-paint-is-rotting-off-the-walls dirty? Are we talking pigpen style living? Does the toilet look like a rusty car bumper? Does it stink so bad even the dogs want out? If that’s the case, clean. And maybe change your living habits, I dunno.

Be Tom Cruise in Cocktail and ALCOHOL

I’m not advocating that drinking will aid your blues, but if I had to be quarantined with you, I’d drink. A lot. Become a master of the mixing game. Learn to sling a cocktail like the pros.

*this asumes you have a plentiful range of spirits on-hand. If not, I’m sure your local grocery store will be abl to help; just don’t go for toilet paper.

Become manly and GROW A BEARD

Sounds easy enough, but you’ll need patience. And persistence to get past the itchy part at about ten days. Push on man, push on. If your partner doesn’t like facial hair, fear not. You’ve unwittingly, and successfully, handled the unable to Chill part of Netflix and Chill.

RESEARCH…ALL THE STUFF

Pick a topic. Any topic will do. Learn about it. Read about it. Become an expert. Get to the end of the Internet on said topic. Tell all your friends the wondrous things you learned about the Hercules beetle while in exile.

Or…

Learn how to flatten the curve. Check to see how far is social distancing. Understand what an incubation period is all about. Look up the terms quarantine and isolation and know the difference. Find out what Public Health Orders actually mean. And get the rest of the key terms whilst under lockdown.

READ a goddamn book, would ya

Pretty much goes without saying. If you’re dying for a good read during your detachment from humanity, go here. If you’re not, learn how to contemplate life while stroking your freshly grown beard and dreaming of ample supplies of toilet paper before mixing your new favorite cocktails and starting the next Netflix series all while lounging in your clean house.

WRITE like a motherfucker

Did you think I’d leave it out?

It’s a writing blog.

Duh.

WIPs, finish them. Ideas, write about them. Characters, develop them. Plots, construct them. Endings, finish them.

See where this is going?

No?

Okay, FINISH YOUR SHIT. You have time. A lot of it. Maybe too much.

AND

If you’re really, really mind-numbingly bored, start a podcast like everyone else on Earth because, why the fuck not.

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