First, the hearsay of me dropping from the fifteen person presidential race is false. I’m about 10% positive that Trump started that crap. I’m not goin’ anywhere. Ever. I’m here to ruin the holidays, errr, I’m here to stay.
There is no second so carry on.
WAIT!
*slams breaks*
Here’s a second: Can’t help but notice the lack of facial fescue amongst the current pool of presidential candidates…except one. Why don’t any of the candidates sport whiskery wisdom? I mean, no beards, c’mon. I heard a rumor, which I started, that men without beards can’t be trusted. It’s now fact.
Anywho…
Here’s My Official Presidential Stance On The Issues I Deem Vital:
Length Of Terms.
Just like in writing the same book forever, one needs to finish and move the fuck on.
I don’t think that the words “career” or “longtime” should precede the word politician. There needs to be a limit. Other people have ideas too and people shouldn’t be force-governed by altruistic ideals and agendas of the same politico power-players year in and year out. Enough is enough. Fuck it, two terms max. If you can’t get your shit done in that time, apparently you suck and aren’t very efficient.
Taxes.
The IRS would love all your money so just send it. They don’t care if you eat or if you can pay rent or mortgage. They don’t care about you. They don’t care about anyone. Send it all. Fuck it.
Gay Marriage.
Everyone has the universal right to be as happy…or as miserable as everyone else who’s married. Fuck it. Get over it. Let it happen. Embrace change and forward thinking. Now, move on.
Drug Prices.
First, Martin Shkreli is complete douche. I say DARE – drugs are really excellent. Therefore, they should be affordable. Fuck it. Drugs shall be for everyone.
Razor Blades. Yes, Goddamn Razor Blades!
Why is no one talking about this on the campaign trail. I’m baffled. *shakes bafflement from cranium*
*slams first on something hard. gets your full attention*
Why?
One question comes to mind: WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK?
It’s not like they’re filled with comfort cushioning or all-wheel drive. Or made from gold, although the price suggest differently.
It’s an outrage!
I grew a beard three years ago because I couldn’t afford the cost. How can five tiny blades of steel cost so much? It’s equivalent to parts on the space shuttle being made from gold. True fact. Look it up.
Maybe that’s it, Big Razor thinks they’re selling the blades to the government so the price is coincidentally and extraordinarily high. Ya know who’s high, Big Razor and that Shkreli dude. And the IRS. Fuck it. Razors need to be affordable.
Global Warming.
Science proves things. Warming exists. Fact. Fuck it and get onboard before we’re all literally onboard a vessel because of, you know, the Arctic shelf melting or whatever.
NOTE: I made one small mention of writing because, fuck it, WRITING BLOG.
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